10,000 Negotiations with Sean Doyle
How can we successfully negotiate when we have big differences and especially when we don’t like conflict?
We invited John Sean Doyle, author of Mud and Dreams, to help us explore this topic. Sean has been a lawyer for nearly 30 years. For the majority of his legal career, he worked on negotiating agreements.
To watch the complete interview, click here or play the embedded video below.
Senia: What is it that you believe that others in your field may not believe?
Sean: People don’t generally believe that most conflicts can be resolved. I believe that even where it seems there are insurmountable issues, two parties can find a common resolution. Oftentimes, the positions people are arguing for aren’t the only ways to meet their needs. You have to ask a lot of questions in the interest of truly understanding the other party. Most often there’s a way to meet one need and protect the interest of the other. It’s not about compromise. There is typically a common ground where both parties get what they want.
I actually don’t like conflict at all. There are different types of legal practice. I prefer not to be involved in litigation because people are fighting. With negotiations, the parties involved usually want to reach an agreement. In situations where that isn’t the case, we constantly ask, “How do we make this situation more palatable for both parties?”
Let me tell you a story. We were in the middle of a negotiation, and the parties started yelling at each other. I thought to myself, “This is great. Now we’re touching on the stuff that matters.” While I was enjoying the process, I looked over at my sales guy. He was in an absolute panic. I reassured him that we were on the right track. I try to avoid conflict, but that’s not always possible. Nor is it always a bad thing.
Senia: How did you come to this belief that most negotiations are resolvable?
Sean: I figure that I have involved in over 10,000 negotiations. My belief is rooted in seeing people resolve seemingly impossible conflicts. A lot of problems can be solved by broadening the negotiation terms. The important thing is to understand what both parties want to achieve. We can ask questions such as, “What’s the purpose of this goal?” or “What does that get you?” or “What are you trying to solve?” or “Are there others way we can get to the same place?”
Senia: What are some of the best techniques for negotiating?
Sean: Ask questions with an intent to dig deep. Show interest in what the other party desires in order to create openness. Once one party stops being defensive and starts listening, it makes the other party more receptive as well.
During one of my negotiations, I was working with a lawyer who was being incredibly difficult. We both went to a legal continuing education class. Afterwards, we sat next to each other at the group dinner. After sharing a meal, the negotiation went much more smoothly. Realizing that we are all human helps regulate these discussions.
Senia: What’s a thought that you’d like to leave everybody with on this topic?
Sean: There are reasons to be hopeful and optimistic. When you stay open and inject humanity into negotiations, they will work out.
Senia: If you could snap your fingers and almost everyone in the world would then take an action, what would you want that action to be?
Sean: It would have something to do with humility and playfulness, not taking ourselves too seriously. Everybody’s trying to figure things out. The way we’re going to get there is by working together. Part of the process is dealing with our own stuff. We can do better when we let go of some of our own stuff and recognize that we can have fun figuring it out.
Takeaways
Sean: Be a good listener. Remain open. Find alternatives and seek to understand the core needs of each party to create a win-win solution. It’s not always easy. People don’t always know what they want. But after doing some digging, both parties can often find reasonable common ground. This applies to real life. We all have struggles, and yet we can enjoy life anyway. We can take what we are given and ask, “How can I turn this into the best scenario?”
Photo by Andrii Yalanski on Dreamstime
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